One would think ...

that once you've completed some of the most seemly difficult cancer procedures you would start to feel better ... but this couldn't be further from the truth ... in my case anyways. Well, actually, based on my informal research many of my BC friends feel the same way as I do.

When I was first diagnosed, I was angry and full of fear but I couldn't really devote much time to my feelings. I just had to do whatever my doctors told me while still trying to raise a teenager, make my mortgage payments, keep my house in order, and stay sane. And that's exactly what I did ... but my feeling didn't go away ... cause, of course, they never do! So I underwent surgery, started chemo, and waited for radiation. Now I'm 3/4 of the way through radiation and getting ready for the next steps ... surgery and hormone replacement therapy, my feelings are starting to creep up!

If you were to look at me (with the exception of my head) I don't look sick. Really. I go to the gym, walk the dog, cook great meals, go to movies, meet up with friends, etc. etc. I'm busy trying to stay busy and positive. In the past seven months, I have been in survival mode and not feeling my day to day feelings. When I first heard the word cancer, my only thought was I don't have time to die - I have way too many things left to do ... one being to watch my only child grow up!

So this past weekend, very unexpectedly, my feelings about cancer, Mikeala and her teenage behaviours, my family, and my relationships came pouring out. And, thankfully my dear friend Geoff was there to walk me through my melt down. Geoff, otherwise known as my pretend bf, was positively wonderful. He was caring, gentle, and extremely loving. He reassured me that 1) I wasn't crazy; 2) that it was OK to feel my feeling and cry; and 3) that he understood. Really what more could you ask for from a friend!

I find it really hard to explain my feelings. Cancer has changed me. I don't want cancer to be my whole identity but it is definitely who I am ... like it or not. I have to admit that I am having a really difficult time integrating in the real non-cancer world. I am most comfortable around people who work in the health care and men and women who have or have had cancer. It's really strange but I believe it's because we have an intimate connection. We know how each other feels without speaking. And, when we smile at each other it's loving and not a pity smile ... which is more than I can say about the general population ... but that's for another entry.

One down twenty-four to go

I had my first radiation therapy treatment yesterday. It was quick and easy. It took longer to bike to the hospital than have the treatment. My radiation technician, Bronwyn, who is probably 22 years old and absolutely beautiful, told me that I probably wouldn't feel anything for the first couple of weeks. Works for me!

The actual radiation treatments takes about 5 minutes. I basically lie on the bed and the machine moves all around me stopping at a few spots to zap me. The only thing that I have to focus on is keeping my chin up (because they are radiating near my collar bone) and not moving. Yesterday, I took the opportunity to have a little cat nap.

Well, off to the hospital again ... trying to work myself up to bike there ...

Long, overdue update

Wow it's been a while since I last blogged. There's been so much going on that I don't know where to start. I guess I'll start with the tattoos.

I had the radiation tattoos a couple of weeks ago and everything went extremely well. The actual tattooing part of the appointment only took a few minutes and was relatively painless. I was a little nervous since one of the technician had said it hurt. Clearly, he's a man and has never had to experienced real pain.

Last week was a busy week. It started off with one of my fellow Stepping Stones ladies calling to remind me about modelling bathing suits for Kelly's Mastectomy Boutique. I immediately freaked out. Have I mention that I gained weight during chemo! But I thought what the hell! It's for a good cause. So Tuesday night, the four of us headed to the shop for a pre-modelling soiré. We picked out our bathing suits, wraps, and hats ... and then practiced our "walk". It was a hoot! Friday was our debut! We had to be at the A Channel for 7:30 a.m. cause we walking the red carpet at 8:00 a.m. I decided to ride my bike to the station in the hopes of burning off a few extra calories ... as I got closer to the station I was overwhelmed by the sea of pink. The station was having a pancake breakfast in support of breast cancer. Needless to say, by the time I walked in I was almost in tears. The actually modelling was fun and in the end I really didn't care about the extra pounds. I did, however, suck in my belly the whole time!

As of today I'm finished the exercise study. I still have access to the gym (for free) and my lovely trainer but the actual set 30-minute cardio is done. The post-chemo test is scheduled for later this morning. So, as of next week I can increase my cardio and add some strength training to my regime. Of course, I also start radiation next week so I may be too tired to go bananas but trust me I'm going to try! I plan on being in a bikini by mid-August which means I need to lose 10 pounds. God help me!

New tattoo?

People who know me know that I am a fan of body art and even sport a few tattoos of my own. But today I am getting a different of kind of tattoo. They won't be done by a dope-smoking, tattoo-covered guy on Rideau Street but by a radiation technician.

This afternoon the Cancer Centre doctors and technicians are getting my body ready for radiation. The technician will have to scan and "mark" me (aka tattoo) so that they know exactly where the radiation beams should hit. From what I understand I will be zapped in three different locations. The decision for the three zaps is based on the location of my tumours and the fact that the lymph nodes tested positive for cancer. Radiation makes me a bit nervous. Especially when Dr. M told me that a portion of my lung may be affected and that I may develop lymphedema as a result of the treatments.

The side effects of radiation seem quite manageable - tight red skin and fatigue. Part of the fatigue comes from travelling to the hospital everyday and from my body trying to repair itself. I have totally embraced afternoon naps!

Still feeling minor effects of my last chemo

All and all I feel pretty good. This last chemo was by far the best ever - I had absolutely no bone pain (thanks to acupuncture) or nausea. But the fatigue is definitely alive and well and I'm moving at snail's pace.

I was so anxious to be done chemo that I may have over done it a bit last week. The day after chemo I went to the gym ... took it easy ... walked on the treadmill ... and then followed it up with 60 minutes of hot yoga. One class of hot yoga and I was hooked all over again. It felt great ... I could actually smell all the chemicals coming out of my pours (that was a little gross!). The next day I went back to hot yoga ... this time tackling a 90-minute class ... too much! I had to sit down for a few of the posses - I wasn't sure if I was going to pass out of throw up. I also took Lilly for a few very long walks. All this to say, I push it and pay for it. I spend most of my weekend either in bed or on the deck reading and relaxing. It's hard to remember that I have to take it easy ... I'm such a NOW girl!

Here are some photos of the big event ....
Mikeala and I cuddled up under my very warm blanket. As part of my treatment, I had to wear ice mitts on my hands and feet. Mikeala thought this was pretty funny!

Preparing to put my hands in the ice mitts!

Ringing the bell!

Still ringing the bell. I was a little disappointed that it wasn't louder!

Wrench in our plans!

Sadly, our beach vacation is on hold. Mikeala and I were hoping to go to Cuba or the Dominican Republic for a well-deserved break from cancer in June. However between Dr.'s appointments, Mikeala's exams, and radiation looks like we'll have to wait until August before jet-setting anywhere.

Of course, I tried to push my radiation back by a couple of weeks but my Radiation Oncologist was having nothing to do with my plan. She insisted that I start my radiation on June 15th. So June 15th it is. We're still considering going away for a weekend but it doesn't seem worth it without the ocean! Plus I can't drive anywhere too far or go anywhere that requires sight seeing ... I get tired so quickly! Laying on a beach with a good book is about all I can handle these days.

The idea of going to an all-inclusive is right up my alley - no cooking, cleaning, thinking, or planning ... just show up and relax! So, we'll be the two Canadians girls flying down south in the middle of August.

Done. Finito.

It's done! My visits to the Ottawa Cancer Centre for chemotherapy treatments are over! I finally rang the bell. It was both wonderful and emotional. I was very fortunate to have my mom, Mikeala, and two special visitors - my sister and girlfriend Tammy - with me this morning.

Of course, getting to the hospital this morning was a treat. We were running way behind schedule. Don't ask me how this happened considering I was up at 5:00 a.m. We finally piled our butts in the car at 7:55 a.m. - I had an appointment at 8:00 a.m. Needless to say, there was a tiny little bit of road rage. Why is it that every 75 year-old man needs to drive in front of me when I'm in a rush?

As usual, Mikeala and I were running late.
So this is me getting my scarf on on the run.

Using the car window as a mirror.


And done. Ready to hit the road!

Un autre dodo!

Normally, Mikeala and I count down our sleeps before our vacations but somehow this count down seems so much more important. In roughly fifteen hours I will be having my last (God willing) chemo treatment!

Between taking my steroids late, anxiety, and excitement it is highly unlikely that I will sleep tonight. It seems like I've been waiting for the end since before the beginning. And to celebrate the end of this chapter, Mikeala and my mom will be standing next to me as I rang the Victory Bell. I would have all my friends and family with me if they'd allow it but I somehow doubt they want a crowd. I'm really only allowed one visitor in the chemo room but I figure I've been pretty compliant up until now ... so it's time to break the rules ... really ... what are they going to do ... kick me out!!

Tomorrow will be both busy and emotional. We have a very early start. I have to be at the Cancer Centre at 8:00 a.m. for blood work, then to the pharmacy to have a couple of prescriptions refilled, including my steroids (I have to take a couple before chemo ... of course I need more ... so I have line up a new prescription with Dr. Y first thing). Then it's off to the gym for a quick run before heading to the chemo room at 9:30 a.m. Of course before we head out the door, Miss Lilly will need to be feed and walked ... and the laundry will need to be folded and put away. Good thing I won't sleep tonight ... I have too much to do!!

The power of a group

As most of you know when I was first diagnosed with BC I joined a support group through the Cancer Centre called Stepping Stones. Once the program was over, my group continued to meet. I have found the women to be very kind, loving, and help. Plus be laugh our guts out! Our meetings are a blast, we rotate between house and spend most of our time catching up on every one's treatments, fears, latest test results, and eating yummy treats. But before we dig into the treats, we read either a prayer or a reflection to help remind us that we are strong and that God (or a Higher Power) is with us. Last week's reflection really touched me so I thought I'd pass it along.

Lately God seems to be filling my pool an inch deeper than I am tall. But I've made a startling discovery while treading water. This storm raging across my bow has the power to push me out of the pool and into uncharted territory. It can strip away my comfort, ground my best laid plans and capsize my flimsy little boat. But it does not have the power to capsize me! The rock I am clinging to does not shift when the wind blows. And, thank God, I am still able to choose my outlook. My outlook can determine whether this experience is painful or profitable. My attitude can help me see that my problem isn't really the problem. It is the way I look at it! Could it be that I need to let go of the things I cannot change and focus on the one thing I CAN.

Sounds a bit like the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot tell you how many times I have said the Serenity Prayer since being diagnosed. I especially used it each time I was on the operating table!

Getting through the system is often very frustrating!

After being ignored and then bounced around between my family doctor and the Cancer Centre, I'm finally going to see my Oncologist about my groin issue. Neither my nurse or the triage Oncologist believed that my latest issue is related to cancer .... interesting! After two days of pissing around, they finally recommended that see my family doctor. Sadly, my doctor (who I love), has no idea what the bump is ... well actually ... it's not a bump ... it's a tubal something something. Possibly a swollen blood vessel ... given my history could be another blood clot.

Since it's faster to have blood work and medical tests done at the Cancer Centre, my family doctor recommended that I go back to my Oncologist. Funny ... cause that's what I wanted to do in the first place!

So it looks like I'll be spending my afternoon at the Cancer Centre!!

How much can one household endure ... really?!

I have definitely had my share of meltdowns since being diagnosed with breast cancer last November but overall I think my spirits have been relatively positive (although my sister would disagree). Even when filled with fear, I have continued to put one foot in front of the other. And, there's been a lot of reasons to be fearful. I definitely have not sailed through chemo. In addition to dealing with the regular side effects, I have had to deal with some weirder ones too (blot clot) ... as Dr. Y said last week "Tracey has thrown us some curb balls". Yeah someone can relate!

It seems that every week it's something. And, this week is no different! A couple of days ago I noticed two painful lumps in my groin area. I suspect that it's swollen lymph nodes ... which means ... I'm trying to fight off something. LOVELY! I feel pretty good ... no fever, no symptoms of a cold or flu, just really really tired (another side effect). And, on top of that my face is super red and dry and there are a couple of area near my moth where it looks like I have a burn. GREAT now it's affecting my face!! So I paged my nurse yesterday and reported my new issues, she promised to get back to me after chatting with Dr. Y. No call back! I know they're busy but for the love of God ... call me back so that I can put it out of my mind and get some bloody rest!

Just to make matters worse ... yesterday Mikeala was injured in her third rugby game. Third game ... second injury ... this one worse than the first. So it was off to CHEO. Well, as you can image CHEO is packed and the nurse advised me not to stay. I reluctantly left Mik there with a couple of team mates ... but by the time I got home I was so filled with guilt ... I had a meltdown and pretty much turned around I picked her up again. It's an awful feeling to think that you're not able to take care of your kid. It's in these moments I wish I had a husband! So off we go to a clinic in Orleans. Since I suspect we'll be there for the long haul, I pack all my injection stuff.

We finally see the Dr. and it looks like Mikeala has sprained her knee and the muscle behind it. So it's Tylenol 2s, rest, and a referral to a Sports Medicine clinic. Her rugby career is not over but she's definitely on the side lines for a couple of weeks.

I believe!

I've always been a little iffy about holistic medicine .... until now! After my shot from hell, Beth, my lovely physiotherapist, did a little acupuncture and acupressure on some key "pain" areas. She offered no guarantees that it would relieve the bone pain but at this point I'd stand on my head if I thought it would help!

I'm happy to report that my bone pain is minimal and totally manageable. As a matter of fact, I've only taken Tylenol extra strength. And trust me, I was totally prepared to take morphine (even though it wasn't very helpful the last time). Another little trick that I've tried this time around is sleeping pills. I normally don't sleep very the chemo week (partly due to bone pain) ... so this week sleeping pills have become my bedtime cocktail ... what a beautiful invention! I'm actually sleeping for five-to-six hours.

Last night I knew things were looking up when I agreed to go out for dinner with Caroline instead of getting take-out. Ever since I've been getting the Neulatus shot I've been pretty much in bed for a week in agony. However with Beth's magic touch I was out in public on day two! Yeah for acupuncture ... I'm definitely doing it again after my next chemo!

Getting to chemo in style is always nice!

Chemo is not so bad when you arrive in style ... a lovely black convertible BMW. This morning Caroline was my chemo escort and what a lovely escort she was! We arrived at the Cancer Centre is fine time ... 9:25 a.m. As I got checked in Caroline went on a Tim Horton's run. Then we got settled in the room and waited for over an hour for my chemo meds to come (from the Pharmacy down the hall).

I don't normally complain about my chemo nurses but today's nurse was a total crab! Honest to God she's not well suited for the job. When I asked for my ice mittens and slippers she was short and curt. Not a good start to my five hour visit. Thankfully when she went on break and lunch, I got the royal treatment from another LOVELY nurse. She definitely made up for what the other lacked.

Caroline and I had decided that we would go to the movies after chemo ... excellent ... we decided on State of Play (excellent choice). By 2:00 p.m. we were packing up my blanket and our magazines ... with time to spare we agreed that a quick shop at Winner's was in order! So far this day was proving to be a success! After shopping we headed to the movies, followed by a quick dog walk, and then DQ! Honestly, I can't think of a better way to end a chemo day!

As usual I'm bracing myself for the Neulatus shot tomorrow. However, this time I have stronger pain meds and an appointment for acupressure. Hopefully it will be better than last time! Five down one to go!!

I can breathe!

After 3+ days of struggling to breathe, drink, eat, and sleep, I can finally breathe through my nose. Woohoo! Yesterday I went back to the hospital to have the packing removed from my nose. I prayed the bleeding would not re-start once the packing came out. And, thankfully it decided! My nose is still trickling a little blood but nothing serious.

Now that the nose bleeds seem to be under control it's time to deal with the blood clot again. The hospital was supposed to set up an appointment this morning with the Thrombosis but I've yet to hear anything. So I'll have to take matters into my own hands and call the clinic when it opens.

I have so many Dr.'s appointments this week ... it's unbelievable. Three on Wednesday, two on Thursday, and one Friday! This is supposed to be my good week .... you know ... the week that I go out and have fun. So far no such luck with the exception of dinner on Thursday with my former PHAC colleagues. Yahoo looking forward to Colonnade pizza and a couple of laughs.

Did you not get my message?

Clearly God, the doctors, and my own body didn't get my "enough" message!

One of the side effects of the bone thinner injections is possible nose bleeds. I didn't think much of this possible side effect. I've been getting nose bleeds on and off for the last week or so. Apparently, Taxotere also causes nose bleeds. So really the chances were pretty good that I'd be getting them. The nurse also told me that if the bleeding didn't stop within 10 minutes I needed to go to Emergency.

PART I

It all started Friday afternoon. Within minutes of finishing my workout my nose started to bleed. I sat on the treadmill while my trainer feed me Kleenex. It would start bleeding than stop for a few minutes and then start all over again. After almost 45 minutes, my trainer encouraged me to go to Emergency ... after all, I was close!

I presented myself at Emergency at 3:30 p.m. Handed in my health card, and quickly told them that I was a cancer patient, on chemo, with a port, a blood clot, and taking on blood thinner! Well, that seem to work! I was sent to a room within minutes.

First I met with the nurse who wanted to take blood. That's fine I said, use my port. She was reluctant ... when I asked why ... she said that setting up to take blood from a port was time consuming. I thought to myself this could get very ugly! I stood my ground ... and insisted that she use the port. She did and all was well.

Then I met with a very nice Dr. who said she would have to cauterize my nose. Easy enough ... she froze my nose and went at it. But it didn't stop bleeding. So the next step was to "pack" my nose. Not so easy! I have a little nose ... which makes packing it difficult. If you've never had your nose packed ... they ram what looks like a Popsicle stick up your nose and than shoot saline solution up it to turn it into a sponge. Put it this way it hurts like hell!

Alo the Thrombosis resident (blood clot Dr.) told me to stop taking the blood thinner injections until I see my Dr. on Tuesday. So what does that mean for my blood clot? Apparently there is no chance that the clot will move to my heart or lungs.

By the time it was all said and done it was 7:30 p.m. I was sent home with a prescription for antibiotic, and strict instruction - no hot drinks, sleep sitting up, and if it starts to bleed again come back to Emergency.

PART II

At 4:15 a.m. doesn't my nose start again. This time it's bleeding like a tap. So, I wake Mik up and off we go to the hospital. In the 10 minutes that it takes to get to the General, I went through one roll of toilet paper, a box of Kleenex, and a tea towel.

This time the Emergency room was a little bit busier than earlier. We waited for 15 minutes before being sent back to the exact same room. Again, the nurse wanted to take blood and hook me up to an IV ... no problem I thought ... use my port. She said she would use my port for the IV but still need to draw blood from my arm. I told her that I was comfortable with that approach - since 1. nobody can find a vein, and 2. I don't like needles. She tried anyways ... and guess what ... after poking around looking for a vein in my arm she decided to use the port. So far this visit was not going well.

Then the Dr. comes in. Dr. Van P ... we'll just call him Dr. Yummy. He was so cute! Even Mikeala was checking him out. He looked at my nose, pulled out a couple of HUGE blood clots and the old packing, and told me that he would have to re-pack my nose. Lovely I thought ... sedate me. At first he was agreeable but then he told me that I may stop breathing from the sedation ... OK I said ... but then heavy duty pain meds are a MUST. He agreed. Excellent we're both on the same page. He ordered up the IV meds, froze my nose a couple of time, and then pack it. It was fine ... no problem.

My next step is to go back to the hospital on Monday to have the packing removed. Please for the love of God, give me a break ... enough is enough!!

ENOUGH!!

I'm done! That's it ... no more please! If you're offended by profanity ... you may wish to skip right over this entry. I make no guarantees.

I'm sick and tired of BC and chemotherapy. Well, more specifically the side effects from chemo! If there's a side effect to be had ... I've had it! So far my grocery list of side effects have been:

• Nausea - check
• Fatigue - check
• Bone pain - check check check
• Insomnia - check
• Hair loss - check
• Sore veins - check
• Diarrhea - check
• Constipation - check
• Nose bleeds - check
• Thrush - check
• Weight gain - mini check ... I've gain 4 to 5 pounds
• and ... now for the side effect of all side effects ....

I now have a blood clot in my arm. Lovely ... just what I always wanted! For the last couple of days, my "good arm" has been sore and red. It looks like I had a really defined bicep ... NOT! So yesterday I called Dr. Y's nurse to discuss my latest ailment. She was stumped! She promised to check with Dr. Y and get back to me. But I didn't heard from her. So I continued on with my day and night.

As luck would have it, last night was our Stepping Stones get together. So after sharing war stories about Taxotere, aka the BEAST, I stripped down to get some views on my arm! And, the consensus was ... see the Dr. cause it's probably a blood clot (which is exactly what I thought it was too). Needless to say I didn't sleep very well. I kept thinking that I was going to die ... the blood clot would travel ... and that would be it for me. Oh, did I mention the clot is on the left side ... you know where your heart it!

The telephone lines at the Cancer Clinic don't open til 9:00 a.m. ... so I waited and waited. And at 8:00 a.m. my nurse called asking me to come into the hospital as Dr. Y wanted to see my arm. And, sure enough ... blood clot ... I went for an ultrasound to confirm his suspicions ... and yep ... blood clot in my left arm. Lovely just ... effing lovely!

The treatment for a blood clot is blood thinners ... sounds simple enough ... NOPE! Starting today until the end of my chemo treatments I will have to have an daily injection in my belly. Now, this means that at some point and time I am going to have to learn to give myself the injection. Just to recap ... I'm scared to death of needles!

So all and all it was a shitty day but to lightened things up ... Mik and I are going to an all you can eat sushi restaurant for dinner!

Who knew?

Breast cancer is a strange disease. On one hand is an extremely frightening and painful journey filled with uncertainties and on the other hand it takes you down a path overflowing with love, gifts, and spiritual awakenings.

This week, like most of my first week's of chemo, has been particularly difficult. I have been suffering with extreme bone pain for four days. I've been trying to manage the pain with Tylenol 2 and morphine but nothing seems to be taking the edge off. In addition to the pain bone, my stomach is reacting badly to all the meds. And, I haven't had a good night sleep in days!

Normally I would be really stoked about Easter weekend ... there's nothing I love more than to cook a big turkey dinner and ang out with family and friends. However this year, my family is at the cottage and Mikeala is working. Knowing that it's probably not a good idea that I be alone for four days, Mike offered to put Lilly, Mikeala and I up for the weekend. Yahoo my own personal nurse for a weekend!

I don't think he quite knew what he was in for! I've pretty much taken over his bed, TV, and snacks. Last night the pain was off the chart. I had taken my morphine pills at 1:00 a.m. and waited and waited for them to kick in ... but nothing. I finally woke Mike up at 5:00 a.m. crying. I had had enough! was ready to head to the hospital for something a little stronger than morphine ... if that even exists. One problem ... Mikeala had to be at work for 9:00 a.m. and based on my last visit to emergency I knew we wouldn't be back in time. So we decided to wait. Mike rubbed my back until I fell asleep and by the Grace of God I slept for two hours.

Mike and I have always had a weird relationship but when push come to shove he's always got my back. I'm so grateful that he's taking care of me this weekend. Who knew ex's could be so great?!

All that packing for nothing!

By the time I was finished packing all my goodies for chemo, I could barely carry the bag. I was definitely prepared. But in the end the only thing that I used from my handy dandy bag was my blanket.

There is so much activity in the chemo room that I spent most of the time people watch. By the end of my 5 1/2 hour treatment, I knew who was getting chemo, who was being cancelled and why. I knew how long they'd been at the hospital and where they lived. One poor couple had drove in from Smith Falls to have blood work, meet with the Oncologist, and have chemo ... only to find out that her blood count was too low to have chemo ... so they had to reschedule her for next week. Poor thing!

So far I feel pretty good. I had a good night sleep despite having to wake up at 3 a.m. to take meds. Apparently with Taxotere and Herceptin it can take 2 to 3 days before the bone pain sets in ... however my nurse is coming later today to give my the white blood cell shot from hell ... so I'm hoping for the best but planning for the worse. I've decided to try taking the shot in my stomach instead of my hip or arm ... the Stepping Stones ladies tell my it's easy on your system.

I've also decided that if the bone pain is anything like it's been in the past I'm taking my morphine pills! I've already taken a couple of Tylenols the morning just in case. My legs are a little sore but I don't know if it's from the drugs or because I ran on the treadmill yesterday.

Packing ....

When I think of packing, I think of a vacation, road trip, picnic, bike ride, trip to the beach, or maybe even a hike at Tremblant. Tonight, well actually tomorrow (cause I am the Queen of procrastination!) I will be packing for chemo.

Tomorrow I will be having my fourth chemo treatment. This treatment is slightly different from the last three. My cocktail has changed. I will be getting a couple of new drugs ... Taxotere and Herceptin. Dr. Y told me that my chemo treatment will last five hours ... which really means six hours. And because there's a risk of having an allergic reaction to the meds, I will be under observation for most of my time at the Cancer Clinic. I'm also taking steroids for a couple of days ... apparently this helps prevent an allergic reaction.

Taxotere has different side effects ... apparently the nausea is much less (we like this one), but the bone pain is much worse (not so good considering the white blood shot already has this side effect covered!). Taxotere can also make your fingers and toes numb ... so while the drug is being administered, I will have ice gloves on my hands and ice packs on my feet.

So what am I packing for a five to six hour visit at the Cancer Clinic you ask. Well, here's what I've come up with so far:

1. A blanket ... I can't stand being cold
2. My portable DVD player
3. LOST (Season II)
4. Ear phones x 2 (a pair for me and a pair for mom)
5. Book
6. Smutty mags
7. Water (must stay hydrated)
8. Snacks ... probably crackers

Honouring my feelings

Last week I truly felt as though I was coming undone. My third and final FEC 100 treatment was the worse one ever. I wasn't nauseated ... thank God for small miracles ... but the bone pain from that friggin' injection was out of this world! Plus, it seems to be taking me longer to recuperate ... six days! Six days of lying in bed! Under normal circumstances I quite enjoy my bed ... but not like this!

I also had a couple other side effects hit me hard this time around. At one point during the week I had to make a decision about the pain ... what could I live with ... and let me tell you ... it wasn't like deciding whether I should have chocolate M&M's or almond M&M's! In the end, I decided to forgo the pain killers to allow the other side effects to taper off. Thankfully I managed to sleep most of the pain away.

On top of all the physical pain, my emotional state was shaking to say the least. I cried at the drop of a hat, screened all my phone calls, and stayed off the computer. I totally shut myself off from the outside world. I couldn't bare to talk to anyone ... I was scared that once I started to cry I might never stop.

By Friday, I felt OK enough to have visitors ... but only people that I felt safe with to share my true feelings. Since being diagnosed with BC, I have felt that I have to be strong for Mikeala, my family, friends, etc. But the truth of the matter is ... I'm scared ... I'm scared of the treatments, the pain, and of dying! I try not to spend a lot of time worrying about death but it could be a reality ... lots of people die from cancer everyday (trust me I read the obituaries). I am a single parent of a 15-year old ... I think it's normal to worry. Sometimes I just need to honour my feelings ... and last week was the week.

This week has been much better physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've managed to get to the gym four times, meet up with my BCA and Stepping Stones ladies, clean my house, do groceries, cook a few meals, and connect with a bunch of friends over breakfast.

The longest four hours ever!

Four hours seems like an awfully long time to wait to take pain meds. Who came up with this number anyways? The bone pain from the white blood cell shot kicked in yesterday morning. It started slow with a little discomfort ... but I wasn't taking any chances ... so I started taking my prescribed pain medication ... Tylenol 2.

After a quick outing to the bank, Walmart, and the Gap ... more meds and a nap were needed. The pain isn't as severe as last time but nonetheless it is definitely not pleasant. As the day turned into the evening and night, the pain got progressively worst. By 3:00 a.m. I was counting down the minutes until my next round of pills ... 4:30 a.m. At times, the pain is so bad that I feel sick to my stomach! Honestly, enough is enough.

On a positive note, I only have another 30 minutes until I can take more meds!

Drug-free last night

I opted out of taking my morphine pills last night because one of the side effects is nausea and I was already feeling off from the chemo. I didn't sleep very well last night but it wasn't because of any discomfort ... I knew I had to take anti-nausea pills at 4:00 a.m. So I spend most of the night with one eye on the clock. Finally, at 3:00 a.m., after wrestling to get comfortable, I decided to get up ... change my p.j.'s, have a drink, and surf the net.

So far this morning, I feel OK. My stomach is a little off, I'm tired, and I have no appetite. But I'm going to try and eat a couple of soda crackers and get some more sleep. I may even take a pain pill later today.

Finding a comfortable way to sleep has been a big pain in the butt lately! Before BC, I slept on my tummy or on my right side. Since the surgery, sleeping on my tummy is out of the question as is my right side. I was finally getting used to sleeping on my left side .... and then my veins started to give me grief (cause a fair amount of pain in my left arm). So now the only position left is my on back and I'm not a fan! I've tried it with a pillow under my knees, not having a pillow under my head, two pillows under my head ... it's just not working for me!!

Done for another day

Yahoo my chemo is done for another three weeks. It was so much easier with the port! Zero anxiety! Because the chemo was packed today they were running way behind. My mom and I waited patiently (one of us more patient than the other ... and just for the record ... I was the patient one!) for over an hour before they called my name.

If I didn't have the port the waiting would have been pure hell! Don't get me wrong, the idea of the drugs running through my veins still grosses me out but at least I didn't have to worry about them trying to find a vein.

My chest (where they inserted the port) is a little sensitive but they're prescribed me morphine for the pain ... so once Mikeala gets home from work I'll take a pill and hit the sheets.

Next hurdle ... Neulasta injection tomorrow.

One down ... one to go!

The port-a-cath procedure was a piece of cake! My parents came to pick me up at 6:50 a.m. and we were at the Civic by 7:05 a.m. (lots of time to spare). I was surprisingly relaxed. Of course, I had been up since 5:30 a.m. doing laundry and washing the floors (call me crazy but housework helps me chilled out!).

I had been told by my BCA ladies that the Special Procedures Unit nurses, Lynn and Lucy, were angels ... and they weren't kidding! From the moment that I arrived they both made me feel comfortable and calm. They assured me the cocktail would relax me and put me in never never land ... and it did! The surgery itself took approximately 20 minutes. I was awake but not really conscious.

By 8:45 a.m. I was in the recovery room where my parents and sister joined me for some idle chit chat. I seem to remember telling Sara that I wanted to go to Price Club for some X-Ray pants ... what I really meant to say was Yoga pants !

Next on the agenda ... chemo at 1:45 p.m.

To keep it you have to give it away!

This is something that I've learned over the last few years from some very dear friends. And, it can apply to so many things: wisdom, patience, strength, courage, serenity etc. The idea is that you have share different parts of yourself with people in order to keep them.

Today started off the same as many Mondays do - 9:00 a.m. exercise class with my BCA ladies. It's really a great class and our tea time and chit chat are even better. We decided to end our class early because one of our new members O was having an emotional day (boy could I ever relate!). O was recently diagnosed with BC and underwent surgery six weeks. She's frustrated, scared, and sleep-deprived. Poor muffin ... wasn't that long ago that I shared all those emotions and more!

So there we were packing up our balls, mats, and weights and heading upstairs for an early tea wrapped in love and support. It was really beautiful to see five women jump into action to save O from feeling alone with her disease.

O and I have taken a different approach to our BC. O wants to know everything about the drugs and tests and then decide if she'll get on board. She definitely has an analytical mind. I, on the other hand, tend to follow direction (pretty well) and have total faith in my Oncologist. Call me naive but I've done very little research on my own! I am, after all, a Communications specialist not a Cancer doctor. So if you're looking for a News Release ... I'm your girl ... but if you're looking for a cure for cancer ... Dr. Y is your man! Although I don't like some of the side effects of the meds ... I'm willing to suck it up and take them. Of course, it's easy for me to say that today cause I'm feeling great ... talk to me on later this week when I'm getting chemo!

Tomorrow's the big day! I have to be at the Civic by 7:15 a.m. for my port-a-cath and then it's over to the General for chemo at 1:45 p.m. I'm a little nervous but I'm looking forward not having to stress about an IV! Today was my last blood test using my arm ... the timing couldn't be better - the technician said my veins are hardening.

My week just keeps getting better!

I always feel good the last week before chemo but this week has been amazing! I've managed to get to the gym everyday ... twice on Monday and Wednesday, see a movie, go shopping, and have lunch at Moxie's.

I would have to say that my lunch at Moxie's was the highlight of the first half of my week. I met up with my girlfriend, SC and baby E. Last week it was puppies ... this week ... a warm, cuddly baby. I even feed him a bottle! The company and conversation (gossip) was wonderful and the food was pretty good too!

While I'm feeling great and full of energy I'm trying to pack my week with enjoyable activities. What I'd really love to do is hit the spa ... but I'm not allowed ... too many germs! Since my immune system is low, I can't even get a pedicure or a manicure ... so I've decided on an Indian Head Massage.

So tomorrow after my planned visit to the gym, I'm heading off to Glebe Spa for an hour long head massage. Apparently, it is one of the best ways to deal with stress and can re-balance the body and boost the immune system to help keep us healthy and sane. Lord knows I could use a little help with the "sanity" part of things these days!

Today ends on a high

I finally got the call I've been waiting for .... my port-a-cath appointment is booked! I'm so excited ... no more needles! I am scheduled to get my port-a-cath on Tuesday, March 17th. And, because my chemo was originally slated for March 16th, we're opted to postpone my chemo by one day so that we can use the port-a-cath for my next chemo treatment.

Who would have thought that I'd be over the moon about a surgical procedure (under local anesthetic) ... but I am! I could feel my anxiety starting to kick in just at the thought of next week's chemo and blood test. Once I have the port-a-cath, they can use it for blood work, chemo, and hydration!

Since I had surgery on the right side, they can only use my left arm for needles. And, let me tell you ... my left arm is killing me (side effect of chemo). It's also not uncommon that your veins dry up from chemo.

The timing couldn't be better! Yahoo!

Every cloud has a silver lining!

I've been feeling much better this week. By Tuesday, I was starting to get back into my regular groove. My challenge this week has been staying positive. After looking back at my week from hell, I realized that all I thought and talked about was the negative stuff. When I'm in that dark spot it usually means I am fearful. And, I can assure you that I am terribly fearful about all kinds of things related to my cancer and chemo.

So about mid-week I made a pack with myself that I wouldn't talk negatively about my last chemo treatment. Well, that lasted about six hours ... until I ran into one of my girlfriends from the support group and she asked me how my last treatment went. That's all it took ... and I was off! Luckily, I didn't stay in that negative space for long. Sometimes it's really hard to find the silver lining.

However I am unbelievable grateful for all my friends and family during this trying time. Four times this week people have dropped by unexpectedly. Many people drop off food for Mikeala and I and then are off. But this week, I had two special come in and stay visitors. Yesterday, my girlfriend Colleen's husband Glenn (super sweet guy) came by with lunch. It was so nice to sit and chat about something other than cancer. We laughed about our kids and the crazy things they do ... all while eating Greek on Wheels. You can't go wrong with Greek food! Thanks Glenn for the food and company!!

And my other visitor was my dear friend Deborah and her two puppies! There's nothing that can light up your spirits more than puppies! We sat on the floor for an hour and an half just playing with the babies. They're a mix - Pug and Yorkshire (I think) and super super cute. Almost makes me want to run out and buy Lilly and a sister ... but then I came to my senses ... maybe next year! I'd love to be able to report their names ... but that are still nameless. Their parents are having a hard time agreeing on suitable names. I love the indecisiveness!

So really this week has turned out to be amazing and for that I'm grateful!

Clearly I spoke too soon!

I haven't blogged for a while because I was so damn sick. By Wednesday I was sure that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. The nausea had been minimal and for that I was grateful. But I wasn't at all prepared for what was waiting around the corner.

When my nurse gave me my white blood cell injection she told me that I may feel a little achy ... something similar to being an old lady. I thought to myself .... this I can handle ... what's a little achy. Well, little it was not! By Wednesday night, I was contemplating suicide. Every bone in my body was killing me! I was in so much pain that I couldn't sleep, drink, eat, or walk. I tossed and turned all night, finally switching beds with Mikeala at 3:40 a.m. I thought maybe if I listened to a mediation CD all my troubles would disappear. No such luck!

By 9:00 a.m. Thursday, I paged my nurse. My pain was unbearable and had now become, in my opinion, a medical emergency. When she called me back she wasn't at all surprised about my pain ... apparently this is a normal side effect with the injection ... because ... get this ... my bone marrow is being stretched. Stretched! Well, that explains a thing or two. She recommended that I take regular Tylenol for the pain and if that didn't work they'd bumped it up to Tylenol 3. Thankfully, the Tylenol worked.

Once the pain was under control, I was able to get some sleep, think rationally, and stop crying. Today, was the first day that I actually made it out of bed. So in honour of making it down the stairs I washed all my floors!

Climbing up the mountain

Well, round two is over ... thank God that's done. Yesterday went well but the chemo seemed to take forever. The last time I went the red devil drug ran through the IV in about 15 mins this time it was more like 35 mins. According to the nurses, it was dripping wonderfully and they didn't want to adjust it. So who am I to argue?

In all the commotion of getting the IV and prescriptions, I had a melt down for all to see. Last week, the melt down took place in a lovely bathroom stall at the Cancer Centre. My emotions, particularly fear, appear and disappear at any given time. At times, all the appointments, needles, pills, nausea, fatigue, etc. etc. get the best of me. And, yesterday was no different!

We wrapped things up at the hospital around 5:15 p.m. and started to make our way home. So far, our routine has been pretty much the same ... mom comes with me and then we head to my house, dad comes by ... and then everybody hangs out with me until I'm feeling OK. Last night everyone stayed later since the nurse was visiting to give me hydration. She came by around 8:30 p.m., set everything up, got the IV running without a problem, showed me how to unhook the tubing, and then offered me a shot for nausea. I gladly accepted ... but holy mother God it hurt like a SOB. There was a little swearing involved!

I'm expecting another visit today for hydration and the white blood cell count injection. I'm opting for the shot in my butt and not in my arm ... hopefully it will hurt less!

So far the hydration seems to be working for the nausea. I feel pretty good ... tired and a little nauseous but totally manageable. I've only been able to eat a few soda crackers ... Ginger Ale has become my best friend.

Round two!

At 3:00 p.m. I will be sitting in the Ottawa Cancer Centre getting my second round of chemo, hopefully. Since my white blood cell count was borderline last week there is a chance that my chemo will be postponed. And, to make matters worse, I started a cold over the weekend.

Even though I've been so careful with hand washing and staying out of public areas ... I still managed to get a cold. Imagine! I don't think the cold alone will affect my chemo .... time will tell ... I'm heading to the hospital at around 9 a.m. for my blood work.

Surprisingly, I managed to sleep last night (without meds) with minimal interruptions. I even turned out the lights at 8:30 p.m.

Pills, pills, and more pills!

I've always been pro-medication but this is getting ridiculous! The amount of pills that I'm popping on a daily basis is bananas! The weeks that I'm not on chemo, I take on average 14 pills a day and when I am on chemo, I take over 20 pills a day. Then let's throw in a couple of injections, blood tests, a take-home IV, and the lovely intravenous chemo drugs. Enough!

I know it seems early in the game to be getting tired of all the meds but I am! When I'm in a good spiritual and emotional spot, I understand the need for the drugs and don't mind taking them. However, I've been a little more emotional the last couple of days ... partly because my next chemo treatment is right around the corner and partly because I'm PMS'ing.

I have more fear and anxiety about tomorrow then I did about my first chemo treatment (which means sleeping pill tonight). I guess it's because I have a pretty good idea of what to expect. Plus, I've been told that mouth sores and the famous metallic taste comes with the second treatment.

I'm pretty confident the hydration will help with the nausea but I'm definitely freaked out about the IV being lodged into my hand for a couple of days. When oh when is my port-a-cath going to be put in! Once I have it, I won't have to have an IV for chemo or hydration, or give blood from my arm. Of course, the whole idea of getting the port-a-cath put in under local anesthetic is a whole other story .... but I'll worry about that later. I have enough on my plate for today!

Woo hoo for private health insurance!

I am so grateful that I'm a public servant with a private health insurance! Today not only did I have an ultra sound appointment at 7:10 a.m., I also learned that I would need IV hydration and an injection to increase my white blood cells after each chemo treatment.

The hydration is pretty easy and should help with the nausea. Basically, all we need to do is keep the chemo IV in for a couple of extra days so my HomeCare nurse can come and hook me up to saline.

Now, the neutalus injection is a little different. Since my white blood cells, specifically my neutrophils, are low ... borderline according to Dr. Y ... this injection (given the day after chemo) will boost my white blood cell count. And seeing that my HomeCare nurse will already be at my house, she'll give me the injection (thank God cause I don't think I could give myself a needle). She'll probably give it to me in my hip or butt. So far so good ... until I found out the cost ... get ready ... it's crazy ... $2,600 per injection!

It was at this moment that gratitude kicked in. My insurance will pay for 80% ... good good ... but that still leaves $520 (every 3 weeks). Please! I can't even go there! Thankfully my nurse told me about the Victory Program. Victory will pay the remaining 20%. So the bottom line is the injection is 100% covered. I will only be responsible for the 80% up front cost until my insurance company reimburses me.

Now, if I could just get SunLife to expedite there health claims process I'd be laughing!

My new look

Although I like my wig, this is how it normally looks ...

Au naturelle ...
I'm most comfortable in a hat ... this one's my fav! So if you were to see me on the street ... chances are this is how I'd look.

I haven't gone out in public with my wig ... I'm a little self-conscious.

My sleeping hat ... looks goofy but it's really comfy!

Not impressed with 1st visit to Emergency!

Yesterday was a bad day. I was whipped from all the previous night's activities. Tuesday night I only got about two hours of sleep. Adjusting to wearing a sleep hat is easier than it sounds! I would over heat and undress and then five minutes later be freezing ... hot ... cold ... hot ... cold that was the pattern. By 3:30 a.m. I was so pissed off that I just stayed up. Needless to say I wasn't exactly a peach Wednesday!

My spirits and emotions just got worse as the day progressed. I was so tired and weak that I could barely get out of bed. And by mid-afternoon, the chills had set it. My doctor, PND, and HomeCare nurse have all talked to me about the magic number .... 38. If my temperature reaches 38, it's a medical emergency and I have to present myself to Emergency.

I monitored my temperature for a couple of hours .... up .... down .... up .... down. And, then at 6:30 p.m. the magic number appeared ... and stayed. I called HomeCare and she reiterated what I knew ... go to Emergency.

So I semi-reluctantly went to the hospital. I did, however, have a little peace knowing that as a cancer patient on chemo I'm considered a medical emergency I go to the top of the list. I was also told that I would not have to wait in the waiting room with the rest of the cattle.

Sadly, the Emergency Department didn't get the memo from the Cancer Centre. Not only did I wait in the waiting room I was there for almost seven hours. By the time we (mom, dad, and Mikeala) got to the hospital, my temperature had regulated itself ... and I wanted to leave. The nurse was adamant that I needed to stay and at least have blood work (so they can check my levels). Sounded reasonable so I agreed but told her that I would leave right after to blood test. She assured me that the waiting for the blood test would only be a few minutes.

One hour and chest x-ray later and still no blood work. Then my nurse spotted me (pretty hard to miss me since I looked that a smurf) - shocked that I hadn't had the blood work, she decided to take matters into her own hands. She took my blood (a million tubes ... and I'm not kidding) .... I felt light-headed and like I'm going to throw up ... so far the night was not going as planned. Then my lovely nurse pulled a fast one on me and hooked me up to an IV for fluids. That was her way of keeping me at the hospital!

Wait .... wait ... wait ... finally I got a closet in the back .... now it's 10 p.m. .... wait ... wait ... wait. Now let's no forget I'm a medical emergency. A nurse came in to check me out, asked for a urine sample, and then vanished into thin air but not before saying, "the doctor should be in shortly, there are only two patients ahead of you."

Well, the doctor did come in but not until after 1 a.m. Basically, the chest x-ray and urine were clear, and my blood counts were good (only one was up a little). So I had two options: 1) stay in the hospital over night so they can give me antibiotics intravenously; or 2) go home with oral antibiotics. The doctor recommended that I go home since they had nowhere to put me and by staying in Emergency over night I could run to risk of getting sicker.

By 2 a.m., armed with a couple of prescriptions, the Davis clan was off ...

Hair today ... gone today!

Well, it's done! I'm semi-bald ... it looks like a crew cut. As the morning progressed so did my hair loss. First thing this morning, it was falling out strand by strand ... by 10 a.m. it was coming out in clumps. So there was no waiting. I called the hairdresser and by 1 p.m. I was sitting in her chair.

Before heading out, I decided to get a little dressed up. I wore a skirt, cute top, and great brown boots. I even put on make up. I have to admit I was looking pretty good for someone who was going to get their had shaved.

All and all it was too bad. I was pretty nervous. The receptionist was sweet. She sat and chatted with me for a bit and then brought me a cup of coffee (I didn't even ask if it was decaf - I didn't care!). Then the owner came in and got down to business. She starting by cutting my hair really short followed by a shampoo, head massage, and then clippers. It only took a few minutes before it was all done. She then pulled out my wig, did a few cuts, and I was on my way. The wig looks great but my head is just too itchy for it today.

By 1:40 p.m. I was in my car headed home to pick up my gym stuff. So I guess I did have time for my hair to fall out after all.

Today's the day ... whether I like it or not!

I'm grateful yet scared. On Sunday night (a.k.a the eve of day 14) I slept like crap. Every time I feel asleep, I dreamt of waking up bald. So that I opted to stay awake and watch the Gilmore Girls. By 4:30 a.m., I was doing laundry and washing floors.

In the afternoon I even had Mikeala do a "hair pulling test" and everything was good. My hair was right where it was supposed to be. I thought maybe just maybe the hair loss side effect would skipped right over me. As I got ready to celebrate Mikeala and Chris' b-day at Sara's house, I decided to go the extra mile and I flat ironed my hair. Finally after weeks of wearing my hair in a ponytail it was finally starting to look good (minus to 2-inch roots).

Last night I put the hair loss crisis out of my mind and slept like a baby. And then wham! This morning my hair is falling out. Every time I run my hands through my hair (which is often), hair falls out. The girls said it would fall out in clumps ... it's not ... it's more like a couple of strands at a time. So it that hair loss or normal? I don't know! I know that I'm obsessing about it but I can't help it. Mikeala thinks I'm overreacting ... let's shave her head and she how she feels! I know I can't avoid it but I'd really like to!

I really don't have time for this today. I have million things on my to do list: meet with my trainer; physiotherapy appointment; run to the bank; walk the dog; clean the house; and get groceries. Where am I going to fit in head shaving?

Dilemma imminent

According to the BC ladies that have come before me, I am expected to lose my hair 14 days after me first chemo treatment. And, if I do the math that's Monday - Monday, February 16th - Family Day! This is terribly inconvenient ... especially considering everything will be closed!

I've been preparing for this day since long before my treatments started. I'm ready. I've bought the wig, shampoo and conditioner, scalp treatment, scarfs, and hats. I'm totally organized. There's just one little problem .... I'm supposed to call the hairdresser as soon as my hair starts to fall out so that she can shave my head, give me a scalp treatment and massage, and fit my wig. How in the world am I going to do that with Family Day in the way?

The BC ladies have advised me not to wait. Apparently our hair falls out in clumps and the whole experience can be quite traumatizing. One of the signs of hair loss is a tingly scalp. Got it! My scalp is achy and it's as though I can feel each strand of hair. I know my days are numbered!

Hair loss has been one of my biggest fears. I'm a girl and don't really want to be bald ...especially since I've been trying to grow my hair for the last 6 months. One of my girlfriend suggested that maybe I should shave my head before it starts to fall out. It's a great idea .... for someone else! I know that I'm going to lose my hair ... but what if I don't? What if I'm that one in a million chemo patients ... taking the red devil (drug that causes hair loss) ... that doesn't lose their hair. I know that it's extremely unlikely but I just have to wait until it falls out a little before taking the plunge.

Desire to shop is now gone!

Who knew that bra shopping could be so fun? Two bras, one prosthesis, and one tank top for only $600. My experience was so great that the price didn't even bother me.

On Wednesday in between my appointments, I decided to check out Kelly's Mastectomy Boutique. The shop was beautiful. It is large, spacious, and decorated in warm colours. Diane, the owner, spent at least an hour with me. She was fantastic! We laughed, we cried, and then hugged goodbye.

Diane's inspiration for the shop was her sister-in-law Kelly. Kelly was a young mother and wife when she was diagnosed with BC. She was only 31 years old. After a strong and courageous battled Kelly passed away two years later. Diane and several of her siblings got tattoos in Kelly's honour - the Chinese symbols of strength and courage with the breast cancer logo. I was so moved by Kelly's story that I was crying in no time.

Diane and I spoke of the "journey" and the "lessons" we are taught by having breast cancer. I am still shocked at the love and support I get from total strangers. Take for example my support group, I don't know these women and they don't know me - yet we truly care about each other. And, when we wish each other well, we really mean it. I feel totally comfortable sharing my biggest fears with these women because I know they know how I feel.

Before I left, Diane asked if I would be interested in modelling the merchandise. I hesitated ... and then decided ... what the heck ... you only live once. Plus, it's the first and probably the last time I'll be asked to model lingerie. I think it could be fun ...

Having cancer is a full-time job

Between appointments with my oncologist, radialogist, surgeon, homecare nurse, bone scans, blood work, echo test (heart scan) and trips to the gym there is litte time for fun. Today, I have two appointments - Surgeon and Endocrinologist (thyroid specialist). Yes, in addition to BC, I'm also having issues with my thyroid. Apparently it's hyper-active ... it's definitely the only part of me that's hyper these days!

My appointment with Dr. C (Surgeon) will be quick and easy. He'll look at the incison, check the mobility in my affected arm, see how I'm feeling, and then send me on my way. Since I'm his first appointment of the day, there is will no waiting.

My appointment with the Endocrinologist may be longer. This is our first rendez-vous! I'm a little stressed out about this appointment because I don't know what the treatment is .... and quick frankly chemo is all I can handle right now! My family doctor insisted that I keep this appointment (I've been putting it off since mid-December) because the scans indicate that the thyroid function was turning towards Graves Disease. Charming another disease!

So for fun today, I decided to take the plunge and go bra shopping. The time has come to buy a proper bra - I can't wear sports bras forever! There are a couple of speciality shops in Ottawa for women who have had a mastectomy. I've been to one and now I'm going to try the other. The first shop has nice but I litte overwhelming because it sell all types of lingerie - not just for BC women. From what I understand, the other shop sells only products for BC women ... which means I don't have to be shy around the other customers. I'm becoming a little more comfortable with my chest but I'm definitely still self-conscious.

Shopping on the brain

You know I'm starting to feel better when all I can think about is shopping ... specifically ... the Rideau Centre ... and more specifically ... Lulu Lemon and R & W Co. Since I have little use for new work clothes R & W is taking a back seat to my Lulu Lemon obsession.

There are a couple of snags with this obsession .... money ... and crowds. My nurses have been very clear in stating that I am to stay away from large crowds. One of the examples they used to drive their message home was malls. I guess that means Rideau Centre is out!

And if I was to be totally honest with myself, I don't need any new clothes. I have a tone of workout pants, shirts, hoodies, shoes, and headbands ... and ... many of them sport the Lulu Lemon logo! So, no shopping and no Lulu Lemon! Plus, I'm trying to be wise with my money (this is a new concept for the Davis girls) since I will be collecting short-term disability soon.

Although I'm feeling like a new and improved woman, I still get tired very quickly and need to nap often. That said, I will rest this morning and then meet with my lovely trainer this afternoon.

Nibs + new gadget + sunshine = run

Now I know my math isn't the greatest but according to my calculations if you eat junk food before noon and run after noon the exercise counts and the junk food doesn't! There's nothing like a new gadget and a nice sunny day to get my feet moving. To inspire me to take part in some form of cardio this weekend, my trainer sent me home with a heart rate monitor and digital watch ... and it worked!

After pigging out on nibs at the movies this morning, I came home and went for a 30-minute run. The weather is especially nice today so I thought what the heck. I tried to encourage Mikeala to join me but she was having no part of it.

I can't believe what a difference a couple of days has made. Just last Wednesday I thought I was dying and today I'm running. I'm going to try and hold on to this moment when I'm having anxiety about my next round of chemo.

Breaking free!

That's right ... after almost a week of being couped up in my house, I'm heading out! I'm going to try and pull myself away from the Gilmore Girls and have a little fun. Kathy and I are going to see He's really not into you at 10:00 a.m. Pressumably, there won't be too many people at the movie.

From now on I have to be mindful of germs. According to my nurse, 7 - 10 days after chemo, my white blood cell count starts to go down ... which means ... I can't fight off infections. It's been easy up to now since I really haven't ventured too far. I also need to start taking my temperature regularly. If my temperature goes up 1 degree I need to call my Primary Designated Nurse (PDN) ... and if this happens on the weekend I need to report to Emergency. Having a fever is very serious for chemo patients.

The nausea is gone and my appetite is back!! I'm already planning my lunch. Since I've hardly eaten any fruits (besides bananas) or vegetables in a week, I going to pick up a salad (and maybe a veggie pizza) from Lorenzo's. I'm very excited!

Bye bye Vera

Until now, I've always been a big fan of scents whether it be mango body butter or my beloved Vera Wang perfume. However since getting chemo, my sense of smell has come to life ... big time.

Based on the Pychology course I took last semester at U of O, our most powerful sense is "sight" and if two of our senses were to compete "sight" would always win! Well, I'm here to tell you a different story.

There must be something in my chemo cocktail (image ... a cocktail ... I seem to remember cocktails as being yummy!) that has tripped off my smell sensory. I smell everything and everything smells yucky.

The rules of the game have changed in our house. Mikeala now has to put on her Channel perfume outside, I can no longer feed the cat, making Lilly's food is touch and go, and God forbide that I smell cigarette smoke .... I may puke on the spot.

This heightened sense of smell isn't just for everyone around me ... it's for me too! I normally use Old Spice liquid soap in the shower, followed up with some lime coconut body butter, gel and hairspray (this will not be an issue soon), and then perfume. Everything I own is scented! So let me get this straight, not only does chemo make me sick ... it's also costs me money!

On a more positive note, I met with my trainer yesterday and our session was a success. Based on the study group that I'm in, my workouts are pretty short. I'm only required to do 22 minutes of cardio three times a week and my heart rate must be in the "fat burning" zone. Since 22 minutes isn't very challenging, not only am I going to the gym today but I'm also going to attend a Step class with my other BC-lady friends.

Nausea please go away!

I know that I've just started chemo but when ... when I ask ... will I start to feel better? I'm really not used to hanging out in bed. Although I have always enjoyed early nights or day long rests in bed, it's always been a choice. Being in bed this past four days has not been a choice!

I've questioned everyone I know who has had a chemo or who has known someone who has had it about side effects. According to my informal focus testing, the nausea usually lasts 3 to 5 days after chemo. I've also learned that the side effects get worse as you go through the treatments. Mouth sores normally appear after the second treatment. Lovely! So much to look forward to!

Thankfully the movies, food, and even dog sitting keep on coming. I feel guilty that I can't make dinner, clean the house, or take Lilly for nice long walks. I don't want to expect Mikeala to do everything. She is, after all, only a teenager and we all know how teenagers are!

Today, I am scheduled to start working out with my trainer. My appointment is at 9:00 a.m. I'd like to go. Right now, I'm nursing an herbal peppermint tea ... and so far ... so good. So, if all goes well after my smoothie, it's off to the gym.

Is it wrong to eat frozen yogurt at 3:00 a.m.?

Yup. That's right not only was I awake and kicked out of my own bed, I was eating frozen yogurt in the middle of the night. Mikeala, Lilly, and Patches have taken to sleeping with me since the night before my first chemo treatment. It's driving me nuts!! Lilly is bad enough ... she hogs the bed and the blankets ... and she's a 21-pound dog for the love of God! But Mikeala well, that's another story! Sleeping with her is liking sleeping with an adult-sized fish ... meaning she's moves around like a fish out of water ... and snores ... and talks! After being slapped a few times, I finally moved out of my room and into her's ... but Lilly followed. So, there I was watching Lost and eating frozen yogurt in the middle of the night.

When my nurse visited yesterday, she suggested that I eat frozen yogurt (with Ensure and fruit) smoothies since I don't really have much of an appetite. I'm all over that! Finally, someone was given me permission to eat frozen yogurt for breakfast! I'm trying to eat but the nausea makes it difficult. She also suggested six little meals instead of three biggies. I'm lucky if I get 2 little meals into me.

Last night Caroline dropped off Phoo and spring rolls (not the deep fried ones) for Mikeala and I. And, man oh man was it delicious ... nausea was not stopping me from eating last night. I even thought of hiding Mikeala's portion (since she was working), but decided that that may not be very kind.

Today, is my Stepping Stones class (support group for BC chicks) and I'm hoping the nausea will settle down a little so that I can go. I find that I get a lot of support from the other women, especially about exercise, food, emotions, and hair loss.

HomeCare saved my can!

After getting home from chemo yeserday, I felt pretty good. I was a little tired but that was to be expected with all the emotions I was feeling. I had a nice chat with Sara and even sang songs with Ayla.

I spent the afternon wrap up in bed with water, crackers, yogurt, and Lost. So far so good! And, then the nausea started .... I wasn't expecting it to come on so soon! I was anxiously waiting for 5:00 p.m. to roll around so that I could take my meds ... when the phone rang. It was HomeCare calling to check up on me and set up a visit for today. I told her how I was feeling and she recommended that I take the "fast-acting" pill followed by the "normal" one in 45 mins. Okey dokey, she's knows best!

Once Mikeala got from school, she took to being my nurse quite nicely .... bringing me water, tea and taking my temperature. Then she plopped in my bed and crash out! I was so jealous ... why is that teenagers can fell asleep in two seconds flat? Then my mom and dad pop in for moral support and to organize my pills .... I had seven prescriptions to fill .... most of the pills are for nausea!

By 9:00 p.m. I was sleeping nicely. I woke up a few times to use the washroom but that's to be expected since I'm drinking a tone of water.

Here's hoping today is nausea free!

New trial?

Nope. Nada. No thanks.

As I sat not so patiently waiting for my name to be called for chemo, I ran into my Oncologist who said, "hi, I was just looking for you ... can I talk to you?". I almost had a heart attack. In the two seconds that it took to grab my mom, a million rotten thoughts raced through my mind. Thankfully it was nothing serious.

Dr. Y wanted to talk to my about an international clinical trial that was just starting for breast cancer patients. He spoke about the trial, the side effects, and then mentioned the bleep ... if I decided to be a part of this study, my chemo would be push back 2 weeks. My answer was easy ... nope! I had prepared my myself for today ... and today it would be!

I arrived at the chemo waiting room at about 9:50 a.m. It was packed. There was actually a line up to register. I was overwhelmed by the number of cancer patients. After signing in, I had to take a moment to gather my thoughts and have a quick cry in the bathroom. I still have days that I can't believe I too am a cancer patient.

The actual chemo treatments wasn't too bad. My nurse was amazing! She explained each of the drugs and possible side effects. She brought me warm packs for my IV arm and a nice warm blanket. I even got to witness a man "ringing the bell" ... he had just had his last chemo treatment ... the whole room clapped. It was wonderful!

Did I actually sleep?

I can't believe I slept last night. Does this mean I've accepted BC or that I'm just exhausted? I know that acceptance is the key ... and I'm trying ... but I still slip in and out of it. I remember sleeping pretty well before the sugery too.

I don't remember what time I fell asleep last night ... but I was watching Lost. And thankfully, I only woke up 3 or 4 times during the night. At one point Lilly was cuddled right into me with her head on the pillow.

Of course, as per usual, I was up at 5:00 a.m. However, I did mind being up so early today. I still needed to complete the fitness survey, finish making my squash soup, and make muffins. Check ... check ... check.

Now, all that's left is to have a shower, wake up the peanut, pack my bag for the gym and chemo (with snacks and water), and take my anti-nausea medications. Must not forget the meds! These pills are supposed to be the bomb for nausea ... they had better be ... $116. for three pills! Good thing I have insurance.

Pre-chemo photos ...

Good stock?

Studies indicate that cancer is hereditary. I'm not sure if that's the case for all cancers but it is for BC. My family knows this fact first hand.

Six years ago, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She too had chemotherapy, radiation, and one another "state-of-the-art" procedure (brachi .... blah ... blah). My mom was a trooper through all her treatments. I don't ever remember her crying or getting angry (she may have done this in private). Of course, I only went to one of her chemo treatments ... and was politely asked not to come back. I didn't much enjoy watching my mom get her treatment ... I was so scared. My anxiety was through the roof, which had a domino affect on my mom. Needless to say, I didn't escort her to the Cancer Centre again! I am reminded everyday that today my mom is healthy.

Since I am not married and don't have a partner, my family and close friends have become my rocks. They have helped with everything from driving me to appointments to bringing us food to talking to Mikeala. I don't know where I'd be without their support.

I feel very fortunte to have my mom's knowledge and support (and the rest of my family) during this scary time. I'm probably more scared of the treatments then the fact that I actually have BC. My dad reminds me, "that come from good stock and chemo is doable". And, while I mostly agree with him ... how good is this stock really?! We both got it! But I can't think that way ... I need to try and focus on the positives ... my mom is living proof.

From what I read, people refer to having BC as a spiritual journey. I'm not quite there. Although I have had many gifts since being diagnosed, I haven't been enlighted yet.

48 hours has taken on a whole new meaning

In approximately 48 hours I will be sitting in the Cancer Centre getting my first chemo treatment. Am I scared? Oh yeah! BC, it's treatment, and all the unknowns are frightening.

In the last month or so I have been in "information overload" mode. Everytime I have an appointment (and there have been many) I leave with a package of information. I've managed to read most of it but realized last night after chatting with MC that I have forgotten (or blocked) lots of information. So there I was sitting at the dinning room table referring back to the 30-page PowerPoint presentation about chemotherapy. Is this what my Friday nights have become?

Some of the rules around chemo make sense .... others are just plain old weird.

• Drinks lots of water - check
• Limit caffeine - in the works
• Limit sugar - I ate ice cream yesterday and may again today .... this one may be challenging
• Limit alcohol - no problem
• Stay out of crowded areas - check
• Exercise - check
• No spicy food - I'm going out for dim sum today ... where I will be eating hot sauce!
• No cleaning the cat litter or picking up dog do .... yahoo ... you're on Mik!!
• Use a condom for 48 hours after chemo ... who in the hell is having sex?

And, the weirdest of all ... for the first 48-hours after chemo, every time you pee you have to close the toilet seat and flush twice! Now, only Mikeala and a couple of my live-ins would know this ... but I don't flush everytime I pee!

So, now that I have 48 hours of semi-freedom left, what am I going to do? Well, first things first, have dim sum with my mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law, and neice ... Mik might join us ... if she's back from MW's in time. Try to hit the slopes or the canal, visit Starbucks with GD, and at some point, clean the house and finish the laundry!

It's not you .... it's me!

How many times have I heard or said that in a relationship? Never did I think that I would be breaking up or taking a breaking from coffee. Do the chemo makers not know that I'm a Starbucks addict? I admit it - I'm a coffee junkie!

The nurse dropped the bomb at the chemo information session yesterday, "we recommend that you limit your coffee intake - if you drink five cups a day, REALLY limit it". Five cups a day? That's for light weights! I have five cups before 8 a.m. Now, I know that sounds like a lot but like I said, I'm a self-admitted addict.

I've been drinking too much coffee since we were first introduced over 20 years ago. I have to admit my love and need for coffee may have gotten worse since Starbucks opened in Ottawa. I do switch it up from time-to-time and have lattes!

I can't even have decaf. Apparently, it's not recommended either. For the love of God!

Cold turkey is not the anwer for me. I definitely need the softer gentler way. I have three days to cut down on coffee and I'm going to take all three days! So, this morning I've only made half a pot .... and really I'm already a head of the game ... I've been up for half an hour and not had a coffee yet.

To blog or not to blog

Yesterday, I decided the best way to keep people up-to-date on my health issues was to send out mass emails to all my loved ones. And then, Joce, a fellow Communicator and wonderful friend, suggested that I blog. I've always enjoyed reading other people's blogs but never considered writing one of my own ... mostly because I felt that I write enough work - of course that's no longer an issue! And, I never thought I had anything to write about .... until now.

So, it's my intention to blog (I can't believe that I'm even writing that!) about my breast cancer and some of my feelings around having it.

Here's a recap of my mass email ...

In order to keep my written communications skills sharp while on sick leave, I've decided to use email (change of plans ... now it's a blog ) as a tool in providing updates regarding my breast cancer (BC). As a Communicator, I know that personal face-to-face communications is the most effective means of communicating your message however, I'm starting to get sick of my own voice.
So here it goes my first update. Be prepared ... there will be acronyms (I do work for the CRA after all!).

As you know, in November 2008, I was diagnosed with BC. Since then I have been going through a number of medical tests and procedures. In December 2008, I had surgery to remove the cancer and test my lymph nodes. I have been recuperating nicely, in between watching movies and dinners with friends, I've even gone skiing and skating. I've also joined a fitness group with other BC ladies. As many of the girls at work know, I love research. So, I've agreed to participate in exercise research study with the Ottawa Hospital. The objective of the study is to determine how much cardio and strength training is beneficial to women with BC going through treatment .... some of the perks include: free parking, the possibility of meeting single doctors, and the very cute guy that works at the gym!

My first chemo appointment is scheduled for Monday, February 2, 2009. I could have started Friday, but wanted to wait until my parents got home from Cuba. Yes, I want my mommy! I am scheduled to have chemo every three weeks for 18 weeks. It get a little complicated ... I will be having one type of chemo for the first three weeks, another for the remaining three weeks, a different IV drug every three weeks for 12 months, radiation five days a week for five weeks, and then hormone therapy for five years. Since I will be having IV drugs for what seems like forever, my Dr. has recommended that I get a "port-a-cath" which is a catheter that is inserted in your upper chest wall to make chemotherapy easier. Sound gross, but it eliminates the need to be poked a million times with needles ... I'm a total chicken! All this news has been little overwhelming but I'm trying to deal with things one day at a time. Well, I think that's it for me. Hope all is well with everyone.