One would think ...

that once you've completed some of the most seemly difficult cancer procedures you would start to feel better ... but this couldn't be further from the truth ... in my case anyways. Well, actually, based on my informal research many of my BC friends feel the same way as I do.

When I was first diagnosed, I was angry and full of fear but I couldn't really devote much time to my feelings. I just had to do whatever my doctors told me while still trying to raise a teenager, make my mortgage payments, keep my house in order, and stay sane. And that's exactly what I did ... but my feeling didn't go away ... cause, of course, they never do! So I underwent surgery, started chemo, and waited for radiation. Now I'm 3/4 of the way through radiation and getting ready for the next steps ... surgery and hormone replacement therapy, my feelings are starting to creep up!

If you were to look at me (with the exception of my head) I don't look sick. Really. I go to the gym, walk the dog, cook great meals, go to movies, meet up with friends, etc. etc. I'm busy trying to stay busy and positive. In the past seven months, I have been in survival mode and not feeling my day to day feelings. When I first heard the word cancer, my only thought was I don't have time to die - I have way too many things left to do ... one being to watch my only child grow up!

So this past weekend, very unexpectedly, my feelings about cancer, Mikeala and her teenage behaviours, my family, and my relationships came pouring out. And, thankfully my dear friend Geoff was there to walk me through my melt down. Geoff, otherwise known as my pretend bf, was positively wonderful. He was caring, gentle, and extremely loving. He reassured me that 1) I wasn't crazy; 2) that it was OK to feel my feeling and cry; and 3) that he understood. Really what more could you ask for from a friend!

I find it really hard to explain my feelings. Cancer has changed me. I don't want cancer to be my whole identity but it is definitely who I am ... like it or not. I have to admit that I am having a really difficult time integrating in the real non-cancer world. I am most comfortable around people who work in the health care and men and women who have or have had cancer. It's really strange but I believe it's because we have an intimate connection. We know how each other feels without speaking. And, when we smile at each other it's loving and not a pity smile ... which is more than I can say about the general population ... but that's for another entry.