Last week I truly felt as though I was coming undone. My third and final FEC 100 treatment was the worse one ever. I wasn't nauseated ... thank God for small miracles ... but the bone pain from that friggin' injection was out of this world! Plus, it seems to be taking me longer to recuperate ... six days! Six days of lying in bed! Under normal circumstances I quite enjoy my bed ... but not like this!
I also had a couple other side effects hit me hard this time around. At one point during the week I had to make a decision about the pain ... what could I live with ... and let me tell you ... it wasn't like deciding whether I should have chocolate M&M's or almond M&M's! In the end, I decided to forgo the pain killers to allow the other side effects to taper off. Thankfully I managed to sleep most of the pain away.
On top of all the physical pain, my emotional state was shaking to say the least. I cried at the drop of a hat, screened all my phone calls, and stayed off the computer. I totally shut myself off from the outside world. I couldn't bare to talk to anyone ... I was scared that once I started to cry I might never stop.
By Friday, I felt OK enough to have visitors ... but only people that I felt safe with to share my true feelings. Since being diagnosed with BC, I have felt that I have to be strong for Mikeala, my family, friends, etc. But the truth of the matter is ... I'm scared ... I'm scared of the treatments, the pain, and of dying! I try not to spend a lot of time worrying about death but it could be a reality ... lots of people die from cancer everyday (trust me I read the obituaries). I am a single parent of a 15-year old ... I think it's normal to worry. Sometimes I just need to honour my feelings ... and last week was the week.
This week has been much better physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've managed to get to the gym four times, meet up with my BCA and Stepping Stones ladies, clean my house, do groceries, cook a few meals, and connect with a bunch of friends over breakfast.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
The longest four hours ever!
Four hours seems like an awfully long time to wait to take pain meds. Who came up with this number anyways? The bone pain from the white blood cell shot kicked in yesterday morning. It started slow with a little discomfort ... but I wasn't taking any chances ... so I started taking my prescribed pain medication ... Tylenol 2.
After a quick outing to the bank, Walmart, and the Gap ... more meds and a nap were needed. The pain isn't as severe as last time but nonetheless it is definitely not pleasant. As the day turned into the evening and night, the pain got progressively worst. By 3:00 a.m. I was counting down the minutes until my next round of pills ... 4:30 a.m. At times, the pain is so bad that I feel sick to my stomach! Honestly, enough is enough.
On a positive note, I only have another 30 minutes until I can take more meds!
After a quick outing to the bank, Walmart, and the Gap ... more meds and a nap were needed. The pain isn't as severe as last time but nonetheless it is definitely not pleasant. As the day turned into the evening and night, the pain got progressively worst. By 3:00 a.m. I was counting down the minutes until my next round of pills ... 4:30 a.m. At times, the pain is so bad that I feel sick to my stomach! Honestly, enough is enough.
On a positive note, I only have another 30 minutes until I can take more meds!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Drug-free last night
I opted out of taking my morphine pills last night because one of the side effects is nausea and I was already feeling off from the chemo. I didn't sleep very well last night but it wasn't because of any discomfort ... I knew I had to take anti-nausea pills at 4:00 a.m. So I spend most of the night with one eye on the clock. Finally, at 3:00 a.m., after wrestling to get comfortable, I decided to get up ... change my p.j.'s, have a drink, and surf the net.
So far this morning, I feel OK. My stomach is a little off, I'm tired, and I have no appetite. But I'm going to try and eat a couple of soda crackers and get some more sleep. I may even take a pain pill later today.
Finding a comfortable way to sleep has been a big pain in the butt lately! Before BC, I slept on my tummy or on my right side. Since the surgery, sleeping on my tummy is out of the question as is my right side. I was finally getting used to sleeping on my left side .... and then my veins started to give me grief (cause a fair amount of pain in my left arm). So now the only position left is my on back and I'm not a fan! I've tried it with a pillow under my knees, not having a pillow under my head, two pillows under my head ... it's just not working for me!!
So far this morning, I feel OK. My stomach is a little off, I'm tired, and I have no appetite. But I'm going to try and eat a couple of soda crackers and get some more sleep. I may even take a pain pill later today.
Finding a comfortable way to sleep has been a big pain in the butt lately! Before BC, I slept on my tummy or on my right side. Since the surgery, sleeping on my tummy is out of the question as is my right side. I was finally getting used to sleeping on my left side .... and then my veins started to give me grief (cause a fair amount of pain in my left arm). So now the only position left is my on back and I'm not a fan! I've tried it with a pillow under my knees, not having a pillow under my head, two pillows under my head ... it's just not working for me!!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Done for another day
Yahoo my chemo is done for another three weeks. It was so much easier with the port! Zero anxiety! Because the chemo was packed today they were running way behind. My mom and I waited patiently (one of us more patient than the other ... and just for the record ... I was the patient one!) for over an hour before they called my name.
If I didn't have the port the waiting would have been pure hell! Don't get me wrong, the idea of the drugs running through my veins still grosses me out but at least I didn't have to worry about them trying to find a vein.
My chest (where they inserted the port) is a little sensitive but they're prescribed me morphine for the pain ... so once Mikeala gets home from work I'll take a pill and hit the sheets.
Next hurdle ... Neulasta injection tomorrow.
If I didn't have the port the waiting would have been pure hell! Don't get me wrong, the idea of the drugs running through my veins still grosses me out but at least I didn't have to worry about them trying to find a vein.
My chest (where they inserted the port) is a little sensitive but they're prescribed me morphine for the pain ... so once Mikeala gets home from work I'll take a pill and hit the sheets.
Next hurdle ... Neulasta injection tomorrow.
One down ... one to go!
The port-a-cath procedure was a piece of cake! My parents came to pick me up at 6:50 a.m. and we were at the Civic by 7:05 a.m. (lots of time to spare). I was surprisingly relaxed. Of course, I had been up since 5:30 a.m. doing laundry and washing the floors (call me crazy but housework helps me chilled out!).
I had been told by my BCA ladies that the Special Procedures Unit nurses, Lynn and Lucy, were angels ... and they weren't kidding! From the moment that I arrived they both made me feel comfortable and calm. They assured me the cocktail would relax me and put me in never never land ... and it did! The surgery itself took approximately 20 minutes. I was awake but not really conscious.
By 8:45 a.m. I was in the recovery room where my parents and sister joined me for some idle chit chat. I seem to remember telling Sara that I wanted to go to Price Club for some X-Ray pants ... what I really meant to say was Yoga pants !
Next on the agenda ... chemo at 1:45 p.m.
I had been told by my BCA ladies that the Special Procedures Unit nurses, Lynn and Lucy, were angels ... and they weren't kidding! From the moment that I arrived they both made me feel comfortable and calm. They assured me the cocktail would relax me and put me in never never land ... and it did! The surgery itself took approximately 20 minutes. I was awake but not really conscious.
By 8:45 a.m. I was in the recovery room where my parents and sister joined me for some idle chit chat. I seem to remember telling Sara that I wanted to go to Price Club for some X-Ray pants ... what I really meant to say was Yoga pants !
Next on the agenda ... chemo at 1:45 p.m.
Monday, March 16, 2009
To keep it you have to give it away!
This is something that I've learned over the last few years from some very dear friends. And, it can apply to so many things: wisdom, patience, strength, courage, serenity etc. The idea is that you have share different parts of yourself with people in order to keep them.
Today started off the same as many Mondays do - 9:00 a.m. exercise class with my BCA ladies. It's really a great class and our tea time and chit chat are even better. We decided to end our class early because one of our new members O was having an emotional day (boy could I ever relate!). O was recently diagnosed with BC and underwent surgery six weeks. She's frustrated, scared, and sleep-deprived. Poor muffin ... wasn't that long ago that I shared all those emotions and more!
So there we were packing up our balls, mats, and weights and heading upstairs for an early tea wrapped in love and support. It was really beautiful to see five women jump into action to save O from feeling alone with her disease.
O and I have taken a different approach to our BC. O wants to know everything about the drugs and tests and then decide if she'll get on board. She definitely has an analytical mind. I, on the other hand, tend to follow direction (pretty well) and have total faith in my Oncologist. Call me naive but I've done very little research on my own! I am, after all, a Communications specialist not a Cancer doctor. So if you're looking for a News Release ... I'm your girl ... but if you're looking for a cure for cancer ... Dr. Y is your man! Although I don't like some of the side effects of the meds ... I'm willing to suck it up and take them. Of course, it's easy for me to say that today cause I'm feeling great ... talk to me on later this week when I'm getting chemo!
Tomorrow's the big day! I have to be at the Civic by 7:15 a.m. for my port-a-cath and then it's over to the General for chemo at 1:45 p.m. I'm a little nervous but I'm looking forward not having to stress about an IV! Today was my last blood test using my arm ... the timing couldn't be better - the technician said my veins are hardening.
Today started off the same as many Mondays do - 9:00 a.m. exercise class with my BCA ladies. It's really a great class and our tea time and chit chat are even better. We decided to end our class early because one of our new members O was having an emotional day (boy could I ever relate!). O was recently diagnosed with BC and underwent surgery six weeks. She's frustrated, scared, and sleep-deprived. Poor muffin ... wasn't that long ago that I shared all those emotions and more!
So there we were packing up our balls, mats, and weights and heading upstairs for an early tea wrapped in love and support. It was really beautiful to see five women jump into action to save O from feeling alone with her disease.
O and I have taken a different approach to our BC. O wants to know everything about the drugs and tests and then decide if she'll get on board. She definitely has an analytical mind. I, on the other hand, tend to follow direction (pretty well) and have total faith in my Oncologist. Call me naive but I've done very little research on my own! I am, after all, a Communications specialist not a Cancer doctor. So if you're looking for a News Release ... I'm your girl ... but if you're looking for a cure for cancer ... Dr. Y is your man! Although I don't like some of the side effects of the meds ... I'm willing to suck it up and take them. Of course, it's easy for me to say that today cause I'm feeling great ... talk to me on later this week when I'm getting chemo!
Tomorrow's the big day! I have to be at the Civic by 7:15 a.m. for my port-a-cath and then it's over to the General for chemo at 1:45 p.m. I'm a little nervous but I'm looking forward not having to stress about an IV! Today was my last blood test using my arm ... the timing couldn't be better - the technician said my veins are hardening.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
My week just keeps getting better!
I always feel good the last week before chemo but this week has been amazing! I've managed to get to the gym everyday ... twice on Monday and Wednesday, see a movie, go shopping, and have lunch at Moxie's.
I would have to say that my lunch at Moxie's was the highlight of the first half of my week. I met up with my girlfriend, SC and baby E. Last week it was puppies ... this week ... a warm, cuddly baby. I even feed him a bottle! The company and conversation (gossip) was wonderful and the food was pretty good too!
While I'm feeling great and full of energy I'm trying to pack my week with enjoyable activities. What I'd really love to do is hit the spa ... but I'm not allowed ... too many germs! Since my immune system is low, I can't even get a pedicure or a manicure ... so I've decided on an Indian Head Massage.
So tomorrow after my planned visit to the gym, I'm heading off to Glebe Spa for an hour long head massage. Apparently, it is one of the best ways to deal with stress and can re-balance the body and boost the immune system to help keep us healthy and sane. Lord knows I could use a little help with the "sanity" part of things these days!
I would have to say that my lunch at Moxie's was the highlight of the first half of my week. I met up with my girlfriend, SC and baby E. Last week it was puppies ... this week ... a warm, cuddly baby. I even feed him a bottle! The company and conversation (gossip) was wonderful and the food was pretty good too!
While I'm feeling great and full of energy I'm trying to pack my week with enjoyable activities. What I'd really love to do is hit the spa ... but I'm not allowed ... too many germs! Since my immune system is low, I can't even get a pedicure or a manicure ... so I've decided on an Indian Head Massage.
So tomorrow after my planned visit to the gym, I'm heading off to Glebe Spa for an hour long head massage. Apparently, it is one of the best ways to deal with stress and can re-balance the body and boost the immune system to help keep us healthy and sane. Lord knows I could use a little help with the "sanity" part of things these days!
Monday, March 9, 2009
Today ends on a high
I finally got the call I've been waiting for .... my port-a-cath appointment is booked! I'm so excited ... no more needles! I am scheduled to get my port-a-cath on Tuesday, March 17th. And, because my chemo was originally slated for March 16th, we're opted to postpone my chemo by one day so that we can use the port-a-cath for my next chemo treatment.
Who would have thought that I'd be over the moon about a surgical procedure (under local anesthetic) ... but I am! I could feel my anxiety starting to kick in just at the thought of next week's chemo and blood test. Once I have the port-a-cath, they can use it for blood work, chemo, and hydration!
Since I had surgery on the right side, they can only use my left arm for needles. And, let me tell you ... my left arm is killing me (side effect of chemo). It's also not uncommon that your veins dry up from chemo.
The timing couldn't be better! Yahoo!
Who would have thought that I'd be over the moon about a surgical procedure (under local anesthetic) ... but I am! I could feel my anxiety starting to kick in just at the thought of next week's chemo and blood test. Once I have the port-a-cath, they can use it for blood work, chemo, and hydration!
Since I had surgery on the right side, they can only use my left arm for needles. And, let me tell you ... my left arm is killing me (side effect of chemo). It's also not uncommon that your veins dry up from chemo.
The timing couldn't be better! Yahoo!
Friday, March 6, 2009
Every cloud has a silver lining!
I've been feeling much better this week. By Tuesday, I was starting to get back into my regular groove. My challenge this week has been staying positive. After looking back at my week from hell, I realized that all I thought and talked about was the negative stuff. When I'm in that dark spot it usually means I am fearful. And, I can assure you that I am terribly fearful about all kinds of things related to my cancer and chemo.
So about mid-week I made a pack with myself that I wouldn't talk negatively about my last chemo treatment. Well, that lasted about six hours ... until I ran into one of my girlfriends from the support group and she asked me how my last treatment went. That's all it took ... and I was off! Luckily, I didn't stay in that negative space for long. Sometimes it's really hard to find the silver lining.
However I am unbelievable grateful for all my friends and family during this trying time. Four times this week people have dropped by unexpectedly. Many people drop off food for Mikeala and I and then are off. But this week, I had two special come in and stay visitors. Yesterday, my girlfriend Colleen's husband Glenn (super sweet guy) came by with lunch. It was so nice to sit and chat about something other than cancer. We laughed about our kids and the crazy things they do ... all while eating Greek on Wheels. You can't go wrong with Greek food! Thanks Glenn for the food and company!!
And my other visitor was my dear friend Deborah and her two puppies! There's nothing that can light up your spirits more than puppies! We sat on the floor for an hour and an half just playing with the babies. They're a mix - Pug and Yorkshire (I think) and super super cute. Almost makes me want to run out and buy Lilly and a sister ... but then I came to my senses ... maybe next year! I'd love to be able to report their names ... but that are still nameless. Their parents are having a hard time agreeing on suitable names. I love the indecisiveness!
So really this week has turned out to be amazing and for that I'm grateful!
So about mid-week I made a pack with myself that I wouldn't talk negatively about my last chemo treatment. Well, that lasted about six hours ... until I ran into one of my girlfriends from the support group and she asked me how my last treatment went. That's all it took ... and I was off! Luckily, I didn't stay in that negative space for long. Sometimes it's really hard to find the silver lining.
However I am unbelievable grateful for all my friends and family during this trying time. Four times this week people have dropped by unexpectedly. Many people drop off food for Mikeala and I and then are off. But this week, I had two special come in and stay visitors. Yesterday, my girlfriend Colleen's husband Glenn (super sweet guy) came by with lunch. It was so nice to sit and chat about something other than cancer. We laughed about our kids and the crazy things they do ... all while eating Greek on Wheels. You can't go wrong with Greek food! Thanks Glenn for the food and company!!
And my other visitor was my dear friend Deborah and her two puppies! There's nothing that can light up your spirits more than puppies! We sat on the floor for an hour and an half just playing with the babies. They're a mix - Pug and Yorkshire (I think) and super super cute. Almost makes me want to run out and buy Lilly and a sister ... but then I came to my senses ... maybe next year! I'd love to be able to report their names ... but that are still nameless. Their parents are having a hard time agreeing on suitable names. I love the indecisiveness!
So really this week has turned out to be amazing and for that I'm grateful!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
