Last week I truly felt as though I was coming undone. My third and final FEC 100 treatment was the worse one ever. I wasn't nauseated ... thank God for small miracles ... but the bone pain from that friggin' injection was out of this world! Plus, it seems to be taking me longer to recuperate ... six days! Six days of lying in bed! Under normal circumstances I quite enjoy my bed ... but not like this!
I also had a couple other side effects hit me hard this time around. At one point during the week I had to make a decision about the pain ... what could I live with ... and let me tell you ... it wasn't like deciding whether I should have chocolate M&M's or almond M&M's! In the end, I decided to forgo the pain killers to allow the other side effects to taper off. Thankfully I managed to sleep most of the pain away.
On top of all the physical pain, my emotional state was shaking to say the least. I cried at the drop of a hat, screened all my phone calls, and stayed off the computer. I totally shut myself off from the outside world. I couldn't bare to talk to anyone ... I was scared that once I started to cry I might never stop.
By Friday, I felt OK enough to have visitors ... but only people that I felt safe with to share my true feelings. Since being diagnosed with BC, I have felt that I have to be strong for Mikeala, my family, friends, etc. But the truth of the matter is ... I'm scared ... I'm scared of the treatments, the pain, and of dying! I try not to spend a lot of time worrying about death but it could be a reality ... lots of people die from cancer everyday (trust me I read the obituaries). I am a single parent of a 15-year old ... I think it's normal to worry. Sometimes I just need to honour my feelings ... and last week was the week.
This week has been much better physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've managed to get to the gym four times, meet up with my BCA and Stepping Stones ladies, clean my house, do groceries, cook a few meals, and connect with a bunch of friends over breakfast.
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You are so brave. I'm happy that you are feeling better. I miss you and I send you a big hug.
ReplyDeleteHey you - I was thinking about you this weekend. I went to see I Love You, Man at South Keys at 10:45 am! It was really really funny, Tracey. If you have time and feel up to it, you should totally go.
ReplyDeleteHi there! I'm so glad that you're back online :) I appreciate you writing how you were feeling - even THAT alone is hard to do - but because you did, it's GREAT! If only you could write when you're feel shitty like that...maybe it could make it pass faster - but I DO understand (..burnout..no correlation t BC..feeling was the same). I anxiously look forward to reading about your 'adventures' (which they are) and how positive you are about them. Love you! Lynn
ReplyDeleteHi honey, just back from out West - I'll tell you all about it. I love your honesty and your sharing your most profound feelings with us. no matter the distance you allow me to be part of your journey - and that is a true gift.
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