One would think ...

that once you've completed some of the most seemly difficult cancer procedures you would start to feel better ... but this couldn't be further from the truth ... in my case anyways. Well, actually, based on my informal research many of my BC friends feel the same way as I do.

When I was first diagnosed, I was angry and full of fear but I couldn't really devote much time to my feelings. I just had to do whatever my doctors told me while still trying to raise a teenager, make my mortgage payments, keep my house in order, and stay sane. And that's exactly what I did ... but my feeling didn't go away ... cause, of course, they never do! So I underwent surgery, started chemo, and waited for radiation. Now I'm 3/4 of the way through radiation and getting ready for the next steps ... surgery and hormone replacement therapy, my feelings are starting to creep up!

If you were to look at me (with the exception of my head) I don't look sick. Really. I go to the gym, walk the dog, cook great meals, go to movies, meet up with friends, etc. etc. I'm busy trying to stay busy and positive. In the past seven months, I have been in survival mode and not feeling my day to day feelings. When I first heard the word cancer, my only thought was I don't have time to die - I have way too many things left to do ... one being to watch my only child grow up!

So this past weekend, very unexpectedly, my feelings about cancer, Mikeala and her teenage behaviours, my family, and my relationships came pouring out. And, thankfully my dear friend Geoff was there to walk me through my melt down. Geoff, otherwise known as my pretend bf, was positively wonderful. He was caring, gentle, and extremely loving. He reassured me that 1) I wasn't crazy; 2) that it was OK to feel my feeling and cry; and 3) that he understood. Really what more could you ask for from a friend!

I find it really hard to explain my feelings. Cancer has changed me. I don't want cancer to be my whole identity but it is definitely who I am ... like it or not. I have to admit that I am having a really difficult time integrating in the real non-cancer world. I am most comfortable around people who work in the health care and men and women who have or have had cancer. It's really strange but I believe it's because we have an intimate connection. We know how each other feels without speaking. And, when we smile at each other it's loving and not a pity smile ... which is more than I can say about the general population ... but that's for another entry.

One down twenty-four to go

I had my first radiation therapy treatment yesterday. It was quick and easy. It took longer to bike to the hospital than have the treatment. My radiation technician, Bronwyn, who is probably 22 years old and absolutely beautiful, told me that I probably wouldn't feel anything for the first couple of weeks. Works for me!

The actual radiation treatments takes about 5 minutes. I basically lie on the bed and the machine moves all around me stopping at a few spots to zap me. The only thing that I have to focus on is keeping my chin up (because they are radiating near my collar bone) and not moving. Yesterday, I took the opportunity to have a little cat nap.

Well, off to the hospital again ... trying to work myself up to bike there ...

Long, overdue update

Wow it's been a while since I last blogged. There's been so much going on that I don't know where to start. I guess I'll start with the tattoos.

I had the radiation tattoos a couple of weeks ago and everything went extremely well. The actual tattooing part of the appointment only took a few minutes and was relatively painless. I was a little nervous since one of the technician had said it hurt. Clearly, he's a man and has never had to experienced real pain.

Last week was a busy week. It started off with one of my fellow Stepping Stones ladies calling to remind me about modelling bathing suits for Kelly's Mastectomy Boutique. I immediately freaked out. Have I mention that I gained weight during chemo! But I thought what the hell! It's for a good cause. So Tuesday night, the four of us headed to the shop for a pre-modelling soiré. We picked out our bathing suits, wraps, and hats ... and then practiced our "walk". It was a hoot! Friday was our debut! We had to be at the A Channel for 7:30 a.m. cause we walking the red carpet at 8:00 a.m. I decided to ride my bike to the station in the hopes of burning off a few extra calories ... as I got closer to the station I was overwhelmed by the sea of pink. The station was having a pancake breakfast in support of breast cancer. Needless to say, by the time I walked in I was almost in tears. The actually modelling was fun and in the end I really didn't care about the extra pounds. I did, however, suck in my belly the whole time!

As of today I'm finished the exercise study. I still have access to the gym (for free) and my lovely trainer but the actual set 30-minute cardio is done. The post-chemo test is scheduled for later this morning. So, as of next week I can increase my cardio and add some strength training to my regime. Of course, I also start radiation next week so I may be too tired to go bananas but trust me I'm going to try! I plan on being in a bikini by mid-August which means I need to lose 10 pounds. God help me!

New tattoo?

People who know me know that I am a fan of body art and even sport a few tattoos of my own. But today I am getting a different of kind of tattoo. They won't be done by a dope-smoking, tattoo-covered guy on Rideau Street but by a radiation technician.

This afternoon the Cancer Centre doctors and technicians are getting my body ready for radiation. The technician will have to scan and "mark" me (aka tattoo) so that they know exactly where the radiation beams should hit. From what I understand I will be zapped in three different locations. The decision for the three zaps is based on the location of my tumours and the fact that the lymph nodes tested positive for cancer. Radiation makes me a bit nervous. Especially when Dr. M told me that a portion of my lung may be affected and that I may develop lymphedema as a result of the treatments.

The side effects of radiation seem quite manageable - tight red skin and fatigue. Part of the fatigue comes from travelling to the hospital everyday and from my body trying to repair itself. I have totally embraced afternoon naps!

Still feeling minor effects of my last chemo

All and all I feel pretty good. This last chemo was by far the best ever - I had absolutely no bone pain (thanks to acupuncture) or nausea. But the fatigue is definitely alive and well and I'm moving at snail's pace.

I was so anxious to be done chemo that I may have over done it a bit last week. The day after chemo I went to the gym ... took it easy ... walked on the treadmill ... and then followed it up with 60 minutes of hot yoga. One class of hot yoga and I was hooked all over again. It felt great ... I could actually smell all the chemicals coming out of my pours (that was a little gross!). The next day I went back to hot yoga ... this time tackling a 90-minute class ... too much! I had to sit down for a few of the posses - I wasn't sure if I was going to pass out of throw up. I also took Lilly for a few very long walks. All this to say, I push it and pay for it. I spend most of my weekend either in bed or on the deck reading and relaxing. It's hard to remember that I have to take it easy ... I'm such a NOW girl!

Here are some photos of the big event ....
Mikeala and I cuddled up under my very warm blanket. As part of my treatment, I had to wear ice mitts on my hands and feet. Mikeala thought this was pretty funny!

Preparing to put my hands in the ice mitts!

Ringing the bell!

Still ringing the bell. I was a little disappointed that it wasn't louder!

Wrench in our plans!

Sadly, our beach vacation is on hold. Mikeala and I were hoping to go to Cuba or the Dominican Republic for a well-deserved break from cancer in June. However between Dr.'s appointments, Mikeala's exams, and radiation looks like we'll have to wait until August before jet-setting anywhere.

Of course, I tried to push my radiation back by a couple of weeks but my Radiation Oncologist was having nothing to do with my plan. She insisted that I start my radiation on June 15th. So June 15th it is. We're still considering going away for a weekend but it doesn't seem worth it without the ocean! Plus I can't drive anywhere too far or go anywhere that requires sight seeing ... I get tired so quickly! Laying on a beach with a good book is about all I can handle these days.

The idea of going to an all-inclusive is right up my alley - no cooking, cleaning, thinking, or planning ... just show up and relax! So, we'll be the two Canadians girls flying down south in the middle of August.

Done. Finito.

It's done! My visits to the Ottawa Cancer Centre for chemotherapy treatments are over! I finally rang the bell. It was both wonderful and emotional. I was very fortunate to have my mom, Mikeala, and two special visitors - my sister and girlfriend Tammy - with me this morning.

Of course, getting to the hospital this morning was a treat. We were running way behind schedule. Don't ask me how this happened considering I was up at 5:00 a.m. We finally piled our butts in the car at 7:55 a.m. - I had an appointment at 8:00 a.m. Needless to say, there was a tiny little bit of road rage. Why is it that every 75 year-old man needs to drive in front of me when I'm in a rush?

As usual, Mikeala and I were running late.
So this is me getting my scarf on on the run.

Using the car window as a mirror.


And done. Ready to hit the road!